For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque Its a worldwide treasure hunt. I can understand both sides. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. GatorGirl Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Michelle My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. ele4phant I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. A picnic in the park? So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Dont go this weekend. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. I love girls night out. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? What way would you not want it to be? It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? hops the bus and goes straight home. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. allathian Also, make plans with friends. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. husband goes to his parents every weekend. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. 2. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. AKchic I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Its over the top. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. I can use a personal example as well. Those conversations should have happened before. silver_dragon_girl If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Yes. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. We were together but doing our own thing. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Addie Pray 14 years ago. Bagge72 Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Different strokes for different folks. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. Okay okay. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. Could that be why theyve been there so much? I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. GatorGirl I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. Make plans for activities. I have a friend whose husband is like this. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a The rest of the time he spent with me. Some peoples parents are just like that. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Blondie Thatll probably shut them up. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). . I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. However, my husband isnt like that at all. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. I can see it both ways. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. GatorGirl If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. So why are you still with him? Geocaching!!!! YES! I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. leilani If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. maybe im misunderstanding you. Its a balance. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. 1. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. tbrucemom if it works for you, thats all that matters. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Or go to batting cages. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. its a really exciting time for your relationship! In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. demoiselle Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. This is something about him that will likely never change. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Im torn. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? . That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. 11. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. However, its also a convenient excuse for Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. You cant. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Play frisbee in the park! She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. And he was a bore. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I am actually not promoting anything. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. 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